Movie review: Mirrors

I’ve always found mirrors a tad freaky, don’t you? I remember after watching Poltergeist III, I wouldn’t walk past a mirror and if I did, I’d peek warily from the side first, wondering if the monster behind it could see me. Hey, I was pretty young, okay?

Well, Mirrors brought that childhood fear back to the fore. Keifer Sutherland is Ben Carson, a down-and-out cop who takes the worst security guard job on the planet: patrolling a burnt out shell of a shopping mall alone deep into the night.

I don’t know about you, I wouldn’t do it if they pay me a million bucks - the former department store is a horror house; charred mannequins – often lined up on corridors looking like corpses of some grotesque apocalypse - stare sightlessly into the distance, the once plush furnishings are now grey or blackened, and creepily, mirrors reflect it all, multiplying the sight again and again.

You just know that the place is haunted, and  Carson discovers it immediately. In a WTF!! sequence, an agonised shriek pierces the eerie silence, and Carson rushes to help the “woman” … only to discover in the mirror … well, I won’t spoil it for you, but it’s one of the scariest scenes in Mirrors. In fact, the movie has many heart-in-your-throat moments like these. There’s even this HOLYSHIIIIT! moment in a bathtub that made me want to reach for the plastic bag. I spent a good majority of the film with my hands plugged over my eyes and ears.

True, what it lacked in the story department (we’ll get there in a moment), you can rest assured that Mirrors will scare the bejesus out of you.

Movie review: You Don’t Mess with the Zohan

It really goes to show how much I love my friends. For them, I’ll endure anything, even watching a movie that I know would make me want to rip the theatre screen to shreds.

The movie actually started out promisingly with enough gags to get me chuckling. Mossad super spy Zohan just wants to cut hair, but the Israeli government wants him to hunt down terrorists. Several bad p*nis jokes later, he fakes his own death and heads off to New York to be a stylist. He couldn’t get a job at first, but finds his niche in a salon run by a Palestinian woman in a Middle Eastern neighbourhood. His specialty? “Servicing” geriatrics. In more ways that one!

But well, after the 1001th genital joke and woefully bad acting from everyone, including Sandler, I dozed off (just to spare myself the agony) when things were getting “exciting”: a Palestinian-Israeli “why can’t we all just get along” crusade against a big, bad American developer. At one point, I did care about the commentary it was trying to make about the Israel-Palestine wrangle. After the Mariah Carey cameo (do we really need to see more of her after Glitter?) my brain shut down.

Strangely, this movie that can be enjoyed by some, if the 30% “fresh” rating at Rottentomatoes.com is any indication. How such a feat is possible is a mystery that may never be solved. Empire Mag calls it a “strange, mostly enjoyable mix of big political questions and crude comedy” and gave it 3 stars, making it equals with quality shows like Iron Man, which it sacriligeously gave only 3 stars.

Needless to say, I’m definitely not that charitable to Zohan.

Rating: 0.5 stars. – There was a minute of amount of laughter generated.

Movie review: Rogue

This movie was so good that there were no media movie previews for it. (Yes, I’m being sarcastic.)

See, I kinda like cheesy movies. Which is why I watch every K-horror or J-Horror out there. I appreciate the simple adrenaline surge they provide.

So I expected some bloody, gory fun from Rogue, which is about a monstrous crocodile attacking some hapless tourists in the Australian outback.

It’s nice to see Vartan again – this time he’s an American travel writer named Pete, and he’s the hero. Sort of. But even the presence of Vartan cannot lift the story’s extremely mundane storyline out of the brackish waters of D-movie hell. Poor Vartan – he didn’t deserve to be here.

Yes, I did not expect this movie to give me a Merchant Ivory experience, but hello, if this is a movie about giant monster crocodiles, I expect to see said giant crocodile more often, okay? Also, hey, where’s the blood and torn limbs??

You can call me bloodthirsty – but when tourists just simply disappear – thanks to the simple camera trick of turning away from victim for one second to find him missing the next – I am damn dissapointed, ok? There’s no horror to the scene, no dramatic impact. Just: “Oh, he’s gone. Whoops.” The whole horror about a giant crocodile is the primordial fear of being eaten alive. If you can’t even muster up that scare, what’s the point?

It shows you how tiny the budget must’ve been for them to not even be able to afford tomato ketchup to add realism to the show.Tsk tsk.

The only good thing about Rogue is that it has nice Australian scenery. Someone call the Australian Tourism Board!

Now, if you want a crocodile movie, try Primeval instead. It outshines Rogue in the scare department, even if it beggers belief at certain moments.

The monster crocodile seems to be psychic, able to sniff out the victims wherever they are, even to the extend of snatching them when they’re supposedly “safe” on dry land, away from the river.

But hey, maybe that’s what it is: A psychic monster crocodile!

Bring on the popcorn.

X-Files: I want to believe

Truly, I really wanted more for David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.

Both are wonderful actors that, at times, seemed overwhelmed by their legendary cult status as the faces of Mulder and Scully, FBI agents who fight supernatural and alien forces.

I wanted them to ascend beyond their typecasting (which they’ve tried wriggling out of to small degrees of success, though I really didn’t expect to see that much of Duchovny in Californiacation).

But I’m not against them returning as Mulder and Scully, as long as, by golly,  they do it with a bang, so as to prove to the whole wide world and those who are not X-Files fans, that they’re more than capable actors.

Sadly, that’s not to be. Eventhough I really enjoyed Duchovny and Anderson’s return to form (how can we not go awww, when we realise how their relationship has deepened over the days when they were in the bureau?)

But the story? It’s got to be the lamest, weakest excuse of a story for a cinema movie ever. Spoilers ahead!

Made of Honor

I remember it well. When Patrick Dempsey stepped into the interview room, neatly dressed in a black, smart casual suit, it was as if the air was suddenly electrified. I was supposed to interview Dempsey for the movie Enchanted, but all I could think about as he approached the table was, “OMG, he’s going to sit next to me!! Squee!!!”

It took a lot of iron will for me to be professional and not to melt into a puddle of goo when he smiled and greeted us journos, but Lord, he was so close, you know?

That’s Patrick Dempsey’s “it” factor, the effect he has on the ladies, no matter how rational we pride ourselves to be. Little wonder that he’s branching out into the romantic comedy/drama category. Girls wanna see more of that side of him. And movie moguls know that he has it in him to pull in the female demographic.

His recent offering, Made of Honor (or Honour, as it’s spelt in Malaysia), fits the bill, but is it any good? Here’s my review:

The Happening is happening (No spoilers)

<– New York comes to a standstill when word goes out that the city is out of coffee.

Damn. Eyeris stole the headline of my post right out of my mind. Next time must type faster! If you’re wondering what in the world the headline means, it just means this: 85% of it is good.

With M.Night Shyamalan movies, the less you know about it before you watch it the better. When word circulated that it’s about “global warming”, I thought, “What the eff does it have to do with green house gasses?”

Well, it does make sense now. Especially since I did watch something about said phenomena. Oh yes sirree bub, it is true what they can do … but uhm, I’m going ahead of myself.

Since I’m probably one of 1% who liked Lady in the Water, the question, “Is M.Night Shyamalan going to bounce back with this one?” doesn’t really apply to me. But I will say, “Sure. He’s not going to be hot pockets like before, but he’s going to be out of the dog house for a bit.”

Grace is Gone

I heart John Cusack. So, naturally I’m incredibly biased towards the man. Besides my other favourite paramour Robert Downey Jr, Cusack just acts a storm. I simply like everything he’s done (Grosse Pointe Blank being my absolute favourite next to 1408), so when I saw Grace is Gone at my local, uh, supplier, I got it without a second thought.

Cusack plays Stanley Phillips, a sombre, serious man whose wife is serving in Iraq. He is a dedicated worker at work, and a strict but responsible father at home. He hangs on to the hope that his wife Grace will return. But she doesn’t.

Watch Night Watch!

It took me forever to watch Night Watch. The not so official copy of it sat in my cabinet for years before I finally watched it. The first few scenes of the movie – it seemed so irreverent. Not how I like my fantasy. But something possessed me to pop it into the DVD and watch it on my parents’ widescreen LCD TV (the only way to watch this movie, IMHO) on Christmas Day while we were opening our presents.

My siblings and I ended up so riveted on the movie that we forgot the presents.

Unfortunately, halfway the subtitles simply disappeared, and on the same day itself I hopped over to Subang Parade to buy an original copy which cost me RM60+. But oh, it was worth every sen.

Story?
It’s a classic tale of good vs evil; there exist the Others, people with magical powers, and they are separated into Dark and Light. The two sides fought an eternal battle for control until a truce was agreed about a millenia ago. The Light Others (the good guys) formed the Night Watch to monitor the Dark Others – vampires, witches, werewolves etc. The Dark Others formed the Day Watch which monitors the Light Others.

Our hero is Anton Gorodetsky (left), a hapless man in a bad sweater and an even lousier hairdo when we first meet him at the start of the movie. Back then he was just a normal dude – a normal dude who wants to put a spell on his unfaithful wife so that she will return to him, that is. But his plan goes very wrong and Anton ends up finding out that he’s an Other.

12 years later, Anton’s a drunk, cynical man who lives in a slummy apartment. He can perform magic (so cool), drinks blood (long story), and has an important job as a Night Watch agent. Yes, he has fangs, as you can see from the picture. But he’s not a vampire. And it’s er, not how he looks like all the time. And he’s carrying a torchlight. Again, long story.

But to make things very simple, Anton’s assignment of hunting down two errant vampires lead him into a whole lot of trouble involving a cursed woman, an apocalypse and very angry Dark Others.

What’s great about it?
Because it’s set in Russia and they all speak Russian, that’s why. Ok, that’s an oversimplification. The movie’s flavour is so different from the usual American pap that you can’t help but be riveted. Oh yeah, the special effects are cool, the action scenes are fun (though sometimes, they can get over the top) and it’s even more amazing when you consider the fact that it was made with a measley US$4.5mil! (Compare that with The Golden Compass, which had a US$180mil budget, the total budget of all three Lord of the Rings movies!) Take that, Hollywood!

And I love how the beurocratic the Night Watch is. Hilarious. But truly, Night Watch is a reflection of the New Russia; the transition of a human being to an Other (like Anton’s journey) seem to represent Russians who must move on from communism to adapt to the greater freedom and darkness of capitalism. These themes plus the well-executed popcorn elements make Night Watch really stellar.

But…
There are different plot threads running together at the same time, and refreshingly, they do not explain every single clue. So there’s no over-explanation or convenient exposition that American films usually have. However, some people may find it incoherent, but I found it amazing because I have to use my brain to figure out what’s going on. After rewatching a couple of times, I understood why some things happened and what they meant.

Stuff you need to know before you watch:

The plot of Night Watch and the next movie Day Watch (yes, there is a 2nd movie and a coming 3rd too) is based on the first book a trilogy by Sergei Lukyanenko

• There are two DVD versions: The International one, and the Russian version. The International one has additional scenes and even eliminated one character. Some of the dialogue is very different from the Russian version. Lord knows why the folks at Fox Searchlight did the changes. The meddling [bleep]. (I watched the International version, btw.)
• The movie’s story is very different from the book’s and I personally found movie Anton far more interesting and grittier.
• The movie recharged the ailing Russian film industry.

Review: American Gangster

Look at my fries and you’ll get a bullet between the eyes.

Ah, good ol’ Denzel Washington. He can’t seem to do wrong. Okay, except for Deja Vu, but when Denzel is in a movie, expect acting gold.

American Gangster has that in spades with Denzel and the ever-reliable but grumpy diva Russell Crowe sparring in a game of cat and mouse: Drug lord Frank Lucas (Washington) vs Richie Roberts (Crowe), a good cop in a time where the New York force is populated mostly by corrupt cops like Detective Trupo (Josh Brolin, lawd, I used to have a crush on him when I was a teenager. Anyone remember Young Riders? So glad he’s back in the game and in such top form too. As Trupo, he’s wonderfully slimy. Rumour has it that he’s up for an Oscar for his role in No Country for Old Men).

Richie Roberts – nice cop in a mean force.

With these two powerhouses head to head with each other, it’s easy to be riveted, but I agree with Eyeris: the limelight is definitely Washington’s – his Frank Lucas is a peculiar Jekyl and Hyde character; smooth, charming, sweet, a devoted son and husb plus a ruthless, calculative, icy-cold businessman who knows what he needs to do to ensure his business is at tip top condition (even if it means cutting breakfast short to ‘deal’ with a rival in broad daylight). Roberts is such a boy scout, you know? And we always like the bad boys, don’t we?
Anyhoo, Lucas’ mom actually remarked that he’s the sort of guy that can convince his brothers to do anything; that if he became a fireman, all of them would join the fire brigade with him – well, unfortunately for the brothers, he chose to become a kingpin. You do wonder what would’ve become if he became a force for good because he sure ruined their lives good.
A welcome sight is Chiwetel Ejiofor as one of Lucas’ brothers. I’ve been following the Brit actor’s Hollywood rise and I think he’s going places.

Being in the wild, wild west of police enforcement, Robert must have his posse.

Final verdict: Really can’t loose when you watch this movie. Denzel and Crowe will keep you riveted, and the conclusion was surprising; the story didn’t head the way I thought it would predictably go. That’s a plus.

I am Legend – spoiler free review

Humanity has basically screwed itself over by creating a virus that killed off 90% of the world’s population and turned about 9% of the rest into rabid creatures I dub “zompires” (cos they’re like a combination of vampires and zombies!).

Robert Neville (Will Smith) is the only survivor in New York city and tries to survive and find a cure while trying to evade the zompires that only come out at night.

Eyeris is very concerned about how the movie is not like the book. Yes, they should put this disclaimer on their movie posters: Very, very, very loosely based on the book by Richard Matheson. It’s as if they took the basic premise (man alone, surrounded by monsters) and chucked the rest away.

But is the movie any good??
Here’s this: If you have a taste for apocalyptic movies, you may enjoy this. I have a rabid taste for “humanity is screwed over, only 0.5% of us is alive” type of movies so I loved how they depicted this godforsaken world.

It’s awesome how they make New York city look so abandoned, especially since I’ve been there before and it’s sure ain’t empty. Apparently the movie was actually filmed in New York City itself. As a result, they had the most expensive scene ever filmed: US$5mil at Brooklyn bridge. They must’ve cordoned off the area and caused massive traffic jams. Awesome. The effects, I mean, not the jam.

The most expensive scene ever filmed? I hope New Yorkers appreciate it after the hell they went through…

Bottom line?
On the whole, as an apocalyptic movie, tres not bad. Not great, but not bad. I appreciate it for the gripping action sequences and how it, oh well, attempts to some successful degree to show how a man isolated and always fear-ridden acts. (I’ve always been interested in observing how people survive in dire situations like this.) But let’s not get too deep here, it’s a simple pop corn thriller, nothing deep.

The movie, however, actually made me wonder how a world like that would change after a cataclysm like that. My friend and I discussed at length what could happen after the movie’s end. Our discussion could produce quite an interesting novel!

I was also quite surprised by a certain angle they’ve decided to include: (Highlight to reveal) The God angle. What’s up with that? It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I just think that its inclusion towards the end a little pat and doesn’t really contribute to the story.

Not enough zompire action though.

Will you watch it again?
Highlight to read: I actually cried like a baby in one scene of the movie. Those who know me well will know why. And for that reason, I don’t think I can watch the movie again because I can’t bear the trauma once more (yes I’m a softie). But if you don’t have that particular phobia/aversion like mine, it’s probably rewatchable.
My verdict? 3.5 stars.